If you are going through a Divorce, you may want to consider representing yourself in court. I did, and this is how it went….
Having just come through the other side of a very traumatic divorce and court case, where I very quickly learned that good advice and guidance is very hard to find – as soon as you type anything divorce into Google, good ol’ SEO sprouts up page after page of lawyer ads and legal jargon, so I decided, I would bare all on my own personal experience and offer up some guidance to people like me.
When I say ‘people like me’ I mean someone whose salary is too high to qualify for free legal help but not so high that they can comfortably spend £12,000+ on a legal team (I am using £12k as an example based on the exact sum my ex-husband spent on his legal team, but of course this will vary slightly depending on whereabouts in the country you are). My case was brought to court by my Ex, to order me to sell the former marital home and decide on the equity split. I should also state at this point; any facts I share in this article are legally documented in the court papers which has now come to an end (so, no Depp/Heard style defamation or hearsay going on here…).
After 20 years together, my husband and I parted ways very, very amicably – no animosity, I’d say it was just our time. However, when a divorce process is started, the applicant (the person who starts the divorce), must give a very strong reason in order for the court to grant the divorce – the Judge will not accept a polite/soft excuse for filing divorce – it has to be a strong, irreconcilable reason. So, quite instantly, divorce can get off to a bad start (is it ever not bad?!). Ex divorced me, so it was his job to come up with some reasons in our formerly ‘good’ split as to why he wanted to divorce me. You need to decide for yourself what ‘reasons’ you are willing to accept, but for me, knowing my children could possibly see these papers one day, I did not feel comfortable with the reasons given and after proving most statements to be wholly inaccurate, Ex’s solicitors amended the divorce papers to something more palatable – it is your right to ask for fair and honest amendments, and if you believe there is an ulterior motive; defend yourself! You’ll be relieved you did.
And with that, here is my first piece of advice:
Try to take the ‘no blame’ divorce option
Unless there is a really clear reason of which both parties are open and honest about (i.e affair, gambling etc), it will be so much less volatile to take the ‘no blame’ option. As much as people may want to apportion the blame to something, especially when they are hurting, in a divorce with modest assets, it is only in very, very extreme cases that the reason for divorce effects anything else in the case (by extreme, I mean extreme, like attempted murder!) so in my opinion, it is better just to avoid the finger-pointing and get the sad ordeal over with as little mud-throwing as possible. No matter how good a relationship has been or how much love there was, divorce changes people – sometimes beyond recognition, but sadly, this law hadn’t come into play at the time of my divorce.
Do you own a house together?
Something you need to be aware of; the leaving partner still owns half of the house, but they do NOT have to pay towards the mortgage after they have left. Yes, really. I stayed in the house with the 2 children, and Ex paid half of the mortgage while I paid for the other half and all other bills (as per our agreement) until Ex was advised otherwise. Without warning, Ex stopped paying towards the mortgage – not a penny. I was left to pay our huge mortgage by myself, all the while Ex was still entitled to a portion of the house (if we didn’t have children, he would have been eligible for half of it despite not paying towards it for a long period of time). I was astounded by this. I ended up paying over £12,000 of Ex’s share of the mortgage. This is not including my own share of the mortgage (a further £12,000) plus bills and living expenses. You do not get any of this ‘owed’ money back upon sale of the house. I didn’t have the option of selling the house early; in part due to the court case and part due to a hefty early redemption fee. So, this is my next piece of advice; plan ahead and make sure you are able to pay ALL your bills by yourself until you are able to sell.
Mediation and assets
At some point in the divorce process, if you cannot decide on how/when you will split the assets, you will be asked to attend mediation (of which you pay for yourselves). The mediator acts as a voice of reason and tries to help the couple come to an agreement without the need for court. Ex forced me into mediation during lockdown and home-schooling, so, we were already off to another bad start. Mediation can be a brilliant thing for reassuring couples and explaining all the options available for splitting assets. For Ex and I, it was a total waste of time and money as we were so far apart in our expectations of what we wanted or needed from the split. Our mediator was kind and rational, but it is worth knowing, a mediator can calmly sit and listen to a couple moaning about past arguments and pointing the finger at one another over whose fault everything is, while the clock ticks away, without feeling the need to let them know that all the petty details are totally irrelevant, and a court will only listen to facts. The one thing our mediator told us which should have been invaluable, was the option of Arbitration. Arbitration is not dis-similar to mediation, in that you work off a Form E (a long form stating all assets, debts, income and outgoings) and an impartial Arbitrator (often an ex-judge) will decide your outcome. It is a huge amount cheaper, quicker, and therefore less stressful for likely the same outcome you would achieve in court. Ex decided he wanted to take me to court though, and once that application is made you are pretty much stuck in the process.
Mediation can also be used in child custody/access arguments – I cannot comment on this though as, thank goodness, I didn’t have to go through that. I think the emotions involved in cases like that must be unbearable.
Stages of Court
Now this is the part I really wish I’d been able to Google some advice on because I could have saved myself £1200 on a Barrister for the FDA hearing! FDA is the First Directions Appointment and actually isn’t much of a big deal – except that it’s court and it’s scary and you feel totally at the mercy of someone else – other than that, it’s really not big. Basically, there is paperwork to fill out beforehand, bank statements to share, questionnaires from each party to exchange regarding finance (one of the question’s I was asked was “what is this payment to xxx Hair Salon” erm, I had a hair appointment??) and then at the FDA hearing, you state what the assets are, your position (i.e what you want from the case) and you can request to have questions taken out of the questionnaire before the next court date (this may or may not be granted). A lot of the questions I was asked were about beauty treatments I’d paid for – my Barrister said the questions were most likely to create an image of a frivolous person – but beauty is my work and I was comfortable explaining that, for other people being asked leading questions like this – as long as they are paying their bills themselves and not pleading poverty, I’m pretty sure it would be accepted to have such pointless questions removed from the questionnaire.
I had full intention to represent myself at the FDA stage of the hearing but in all honesty, I bottled it. I was stressed, tired from working so much (I was working 2 jobs to pay all the bills) upset that I was being dragged through this, and I got scared. So, instead of a solicitor, which would cost £££, I used a Direct Access Barrister (these are easy to Google!), I filled the Barrister in on the case, paid the fee and had her represent me at the FDA. She was very warm and caring but looking back, with nothing to dispute on the questionnaire, I definitely could’ve sat through the FDA by myself. But hindsight is an interesting thing, I know now that it was doable by myself, but at the time I felt I needed someone by my side and Direct Access Barristers are a great option.
The next stage of court, the FDR, can be the end but it’s not guaranteed….
But before we get to the FDR, the court encourage you to make each other offers in order to bring the case to a close before you even get to the FDR. Ex and I were so far apart on our expectations, that offers felt pointless to me, I did, however make an offer which I thought was a good starting point for negotiation, but it was declined. Ex and I worked SO hard for everything we had – I wanted the equity split to be fair, we both deserved it, but of course it cannot be equal when there are children involved; I calculated that I needed 70% of the equity to be able to rehome the children and I near to their school, transport links, friends and family, so I started with an offer of a 75/25% split, hoping to get knocked down to 70%. The counteroffer was for a 53/47% split though, so I rejected it. This was actually a blessing – I was so stressed about court that had it have been less than I needed but still reasonable, I probably would have accepted it to put an end to the whole ordeal.
With the cost of my mortgage that I was now paying by myself, the hefty fees of solicitors, and the looming cost of moving house, I decided I would represent myself at the FDR – I was terrified but determined. It may sound like a crazy plan, but nobody knows your case or circumstances better than you – if you represent yourself, you have a voice, whereas if you have representation, you must sit through the hearing in silence, letting everyone else discuss your life.
And like I said, the court case is not guaranteed to finish at the FDR stage, as at this stage, you still need to come to an agreement yourselves! As in, you and your Ex that you’ve been battling with! The judge will give direction at the FDR, but not an order – that needs to be decided between each party, and if no agreement is reached, you go to a very expensive, evidence-based, Final Hearing, at which time the judge will decide the Final Order and the case is closed. I decided to save money on the FDR, as I fully expected the case to go to a Final Hearing – at which I most definitely would have paid for representation – there’s only so much stress one girl can take!
My next tip! If you are going to represent yourself (seriously consider it – we are all much, much braver than we know) make notes in your diary and set reminders for all the tasks and paperwork which needs to be submitted before the court date. For example; 5 weeks before the hearing you must submit your mortgage raising capacity, 2 weeks before court, you must update your disclosure (all documents related to the court case, i.e bank statements etc) and 5 days before you must send and receive property particulars for each other – in other words, send properties which are currently on the market that you believe are suitable for yourself and properties for the other party – the properties Ex sent for me were shocking (and as it turned out, shocking for the judge who criticised Ex for, and I quote “choosing to put 3 young women in one of the roughest parts of London”). The point of the property particulars task is a way of demonstrating that the other person can afford a property that fits their needs based on the equity split you are asking for (not that you must move to those exact properties (thank goodness!!) however, the property particulars you give are a clear indication of what/where each party could afford in each scenario (i.e the roughest parts of London!). I had to sent my Position Statement to the judge the day before court to explain what I wanted from the court case, and why, I also took the opportunity to explain why I was representing myself (I was very, very conscious of being respectful to the legal sector – not in a million years do I think I can do better than them, far from it, it was purely for financial reasons, but I can now say it was really cathartic to finally have a voice in all this too).
Now, this one’s not a tip, this is a must; prepare, prepare, prepare. When court day arrives, make sure you have every single document, date, fact, and number to hand, organised and ready to draw upon when needed – I have never been so meticulous in my life!
My hearing was over Zoom, which probably made it a lot less scary than walking into a court room – it was a bit bizarre though seeing the judge, the Ex with his team at his side lines and the Ex’s barrister all on screen while I was sitting in my living room with the pet rabbit (a lockdown purchase) bouncing around beside me!
The task with representing yourself is to stick with facts, not emotions, and get to the point – the judge is not interested in he said/she said. I planned my case, stuck to it, and responded calmly. The only twist I wasn’t expecting in my FDR hearing was when I asked to be reimbursed for the mortgage payments Ex hadn’t contributed to (I had also asked this in my pre-trial offer) and I was told by the judge, in no uncertain terms “you’re not going to get that back” it was only then that I went off script and said I wanted a £85k windfall of Ex’s to be taken into consideration.
*£85k Backstory! Ex was awarded £85k when we were still together (taken in £15k yearly instalments) this was noted in Ex’s disclosure. I never took a cut of it when we were together but in the early stages of divorce, I used it as a bargaining tool (all assets are taken into consideration and used to bargain with, including my engagement ring which Ex’s barrister told me I “might have to sell” if I can’t afford the mortgage payments). However, in my pre-trial offer, I said I would not pursue any of this windfall.
My point is, use bargaining tools but be reasonable – think of every little thing which might be deemed as an asset – even designer watches are considered an asset, although neither Ex nor I have anything like that. Thankfully the judge agreed the £85k windfall should be taken into consideration as an asset.
When all details have been shared, and the Judge gives their direction (what they think the result should be) on the case, you are left to battle it out behind the scenes in the hope of coming to an agreement. As the trial had been on Zoom, our negotiations were over a series of phone calls. Ex still stood firm on a 53/47% split before edging up bit by bit, until it got to 67.5%. I said “no”…..
In December 2020, I sent Ex a text saying let’s sell in July 2022 (when the early redemption fee is null and void, and our youngest is offered her place in secondary school) and split the equity 70/30% – this was the split I needed for my babies; the difference in price between a 1-bedroom property and a 2-bedroom property in like-for-like areas was on average 20-30% – I needed more equity because I had to buy at least a 2-bed property to home the children and I. This was never about trying to take from Ex – we both worked so bloody hard together for everything we achieved (we were a great team once upon a time) in the end it came down to basic maths and necessities.
So, at the negotiation stage of the FDR, I was being stubborn for my children, but I was also being rational of what my children needed.
Also note, if you believe your Ex is hiding money (evidently, this is very common) you must clearly explain your reasoning or provide evidence in order for it to be heard. After my reasoning was heard, the Judge agreed it was “totally plausible” and it stood.
My case became a matter of principle that I decided I would not back down from – especially when I felt like bully tactics came into play, however, I would advise you to keep a very open mind on what is an acceptable outcome for you and your circumstances – do not let emotions cloud your judgement, and be prepared to end up at a Final Hearing if you cannot agree at the FDR. And remember – even if you don’t agree on the day of the FDR, you can still send offers before the Final Hearing. Generally speaking, the only ones that really benefit from a Final Hearing are the legal teams.
Anyway, after I gave Ex’s solicitors a few more details on how I believed Ex was/is hiding money (which btw still effects the tiny amount of child maintenance Ex pays) and after sending the screenshot of my December 2020 offer with Ex’s reply initially agreeing to my offer, 70/30% was finally agreed! It cost Ex £12,000 in legal fees and caused irreparable damage to our relationship to result in the offer I’d proposed before we’d even started mediation – PLEASE, PLEASE learn from this!!
I think when people break up, they go through the motions and emotions at different paces to one another – and that’s where the problem lies; one partner might feel angry, while the other one is feeling sad, one might want to throw themselves into moving on as a way of healing, the other might feel terrified at the thought – and then it can all turn around and they are both feeling the opposites! It is a draining and horrific process, with no magic way through it, I would just say, take it slow – don’t rush your emotions, mourn your relationship, and don’t assume you know how the other one is or isn’t coping.
As for children, I don’t think it is mostly the break-up which hurts them, but more so the way in which it is handled; parents not getting along is horrible for children and lying to them is the absolute worst; trust me when I say, kids spot lies more easily that adults do and when they lose faith and trust in a parent it is devastating and confusing for them.
After all the sadness of court, my final insult to injury came when I decided to take Ex’s Barrister’s advice and sell my engagement ring (I’ve always felt like jewellery holds energy, so I didn’t want it in the new house when I moved!). The valuation came in at ZERO!! The diamond had such a big flaw in it that it wasn’t worth a penny – the jeweller said to me, in the kindest way possible, “it looks nice on the finger, but it is not worth anything” so, I thought it was a special ring, but in fact, it wasn’t what I thought it was at all, and if that isn’t the perfect metaphor for this marriage, I don’t know what is!
But to end on a happy note; as much as I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through what I went through, if you are, please know this; it will end, you will be happy again, and hopefully you will come out of it proud of your bravery and resilience – I know I am, but more importantly, so are my children; in the days after court ended, they couldn’t stop telling me how proud they are of me and both encouraged me to write this article to try and help others. But even more heart-bursting, my eldest daughter says she aspires to be like me!
It was all worth it, now go do yourself proud.
Lot’s of love x
*For absolute clarity and honesty on this feature, I should add that Ex did offer for me and the children to stay in the home until the kids leave school and then split the equity 50/50. I could not agree to this as a. Our mortgage was huge, and I did not want the burden of having to continue to work 2 jobs to pay for it and then split half of all the equity I’d accumulated with him (that would be crazy in my opinion!) Ex did suggest I change the mortgage to interest only but of course this is not guaranteed and highly unlikely to be granted for 6+ years. And b. my babies will always have a forever home with me – I needed to buy somewhere that they can always come back to whatever their age.*
**I’d also like to apologise to my mum for causing her to burst into tears after proof-reading this for me! I love you**